Anniversary Blues

I hate anniversaries. I have too many bad ones and not enough good ones. Actually, I probably have lots of good ones. I hate that the bad ones are somehow easier to remember than the good ones.

Karl has come home from work many an anniversary (the good kind), roses and chocolates in hand, a big smile on his face and "I love you" on his lips. I'll have dirty dishes and a cleaning sponge in my hands, a look of complete confusion on my face and then an immediate "D'0h!" followed by lots of apologies. Thankfully, my husband finds this funny. He also seems to find humor in me forgetting my birthdays.

Bad anniversaries have a different way of announcing themselves. An unexplained dark mood sets in. I very much dislike feeling grumpy for no apparent reason. I think I dislike the ambivalence that comes with it even more.

What makes this bad anniversary especially frustrating is that there is much to celebrate now. Sometime within the next 2 weeks marks the date that I went into the hospital last year. Having that 50 lbs of water on me (most of which was in my abdomen) was painful, breathing hurt and there was little food that did not start an exodus. I think if I had kept a log during that time, little would have been written about fear, lots would have been written about my determination to get the water off of me.

The first thing I did this morning while I was still in bed (after determining that the bird in my tree was the first robin I had seen this year) was stare at my stomach. I love how my stomach is flatter when I'm laying down. I breathed deeply and appreciated being able to effortlessly fill my lungs. I thought about what I would have for breakfast and was grateful that I knew I would be able to keep what I ate down.

I don't know if I have mentioned this yet, but giving thanks has been a point of contention for me. When I used to hear "Give thanks for the little things", or "Don't take the little things for granted", I always thought of being thankful for flowers or clean water. I never thought about being grateful that I could load and unload the dishwasher or complete a load of laundry. Or be grateful that I could walk to the end of the yard to get the mail. Jeez, or even have the strength to pet Jane.

Right now I want to feel the happiness of coming so far from last year. I want to feel proud of my accomplishments. Instead I'm fighting the sorrow of what last year was and how it affected myself and my family. I'm sorry for the people that I lost and the good-byes I was not able to say.

But I'll do what I can for now and celebrate my life by living it and have faith that the sadness will lift and peace will settle in. So now I'll turn off my computer, get my mom for a lunch out, go walk a half mile down by the lake and then garden with Jane for an hour or so. I think I'll take some birdseed out for the robins. Jane will like that.

Hangin' PH Style

Day 1
Moved into house

Day 2
Put together bedroom and started to decide on drapery style
Decided that none of the drapes I already have will work

Day 26
Purchased 2 curtain rods

Day 194
Purchased curtains

Day 198
Returned curtains

Day 278
Let husband pick out and purchase curtains
Started fight with husband because I could not return curtains

Day 396
Borrowed sample curtains from Grandmother's stock

Day 428
Returned Grandmother's curtains

Day 464
Purchased curtains

Day 499
Stored curtains in closet with rods

Day 574
Cleaned out closet and found curtains and rods

Day 625
Brought out curtains and rods
Removed rod parts from box
Got box cutter from living room, used it and left it there
Returned to bedroom
Struggled with hardware packaging, returned to living room for box cutter
Returned to bedroom with box cutter
Knocked hardware in between bed and frame
Retrieved hardware
Sat for a rest
Attached decorative ends to curtain rod
Searched house for step ladder
Found step ladder in garage behind boxes
Returned to bedroom with step ladder
Sat for a rest
Got power drill from garage
Returned to bedroom with power drill
Got drill bit from living room
Returned to bedroom with drill bit
Took down dusty Christmas swag from above window
Held curtains up above window to determine placement of hardware on wall
Took 5 minutes to badly drill and strip first screw into wall
Got screwdriver from living room
Returned to bedroom with screw driver
Sat for a rest
Finished screwing in first screw
Decided to leave second screw for husband
Moved step ladder
Took 4 minutes with power drill & screwdriver to find there was a brick wall behind sheet rock
Let dog outside
Got nails from garage
Returned to bedroom with nails
Went to laundry room for the hammer
Found hammer in dining room
Returned to bedroom with hammer
Hammered nail into same hole
Removed nail and a dime-sized circle of sheet rock
Inserted a stabilizer and a smaller screw into wall
Decided husband could install second screw on this one, too
Moved step ladder
Hammered hole into wall
Let barking dog back inside
Removed nail and a nickel-sized circle of sheet rock
Decided husband could find nail on floor later
Inserted a stabilizer and a smaller screw into wall
Decided husband was already going to do two other screws, so a third one should be easy
Checked on barking dog in living room, found nothing amiss
Sat for a rest
Hung curtain rod
Realized curtain rod was slightly higher in the middle
Returned to living room with curtains
Got box cutter from bedroom
Returned to living room with box cutter
Removed curtains from packaging
Clipped on curtain rings
Realized I clipped half of the rings to the bottom of all 4 curtains
Returned to bedroom with curtains
Removed decorative ends from both ends of curtain rod
Placed curtains onto rod
Reattached decorative ends to curtain rod
Sat down for a rest
Saw that with curtain rings, drapes were too long and now drag on the floor
Decided that I did not like the style of the curtains or curtain rod
Took nap

Bacon Week

Oh the greatest of all weeks, Bacon Week. I love Bacon Week. It only exists because of Costco. They sell the center cut bacon that's lower in fat and low enough in sodium for me to have two precious slices. That's supposed to be two slices for the day, not per meal like I've been doing it. Of course there's enough bacon to make breakfast for my entire block twice in each of the two vacuum sealed packages. It would make more sense for me to me to open up each one, divide it up into smaller containers and then freeze them. Instead, half goes into the freezer, the other into the oven.

A lot of love goes into my bacon. First, I trim off as much of the fat from the edges as I can. I used to carefully trim the edges until they were more tapered, like a carrot, but now I just chop off an inch from the end. The fatty end, not the nice bacony one. Why is there always a more fatty end? Second, I soak the bacon in a cold water bath with potato slices. I do this in hopes of removing more sodium from it. I then take the water logged bacon and place it on a wire rack that is set inside of a casserole dish. Third Step, baking commences. Fourth step, carefully removing the hissing bacon from the oven, gently placing it on paper towels and then smothering it to death. The bacon is then transferred to another set of paper towels and left to rest and contemplate how it really should not be so full of fat. The bacon can now be layered with fresh paper towels and stored in tupperware.

This week I have made BLTs, corn chowder, breakfast, spinach salad... I can't remember what else. If I could just figure out how to make it work with a Girl Scout Cookie then I would be the happiest girl.

The BLT was my favorite. I ate 3 the first day. Throughout the day. The corn chowder was fabulous yummy, and I did feel a special victory with this one because I had never made it before. The breakfast wrap was a no-brainer. The bacon was the star but the Laughing Cow Cheese made it a legend. I thought I might have finally met my match with the spinach salad with warm bacon dressing. Then I remembered who I was and it was so good that my salad hating husband ate every bite.

So what could possibly be wrong with such a fabulous week? Well for one, my house still smells like bacon. It has been several days since I baked it up, and the aroma is still here. Secondly, I have put on weight. It could be because I forgot to take my water pills... again, but maybe not. I had to take the heavy weight pill to make up for so many missed ones, so hopefully tomorrow morning's weigh in will say that Bacon Week may continue. Those are my only two complaints. Everything else about bacon week is awesome.

So please, please Water Gods, say it's the forgotten pills that have put on the four pounds. Please, don't let Bacon Week end yet. I have some brie and I know there's yumminess there just waiting to be made.

Girl Heaven

(Written Feb. 18 - 20, 2010)

I love to travel. I'm not too picky about the destination. I do require clean drinking water, breathable air and limited mosquitoes. So that leaves about 1/1000 of the world available to me for exploration.

The first night is always the most exciting. Driving through a city with it all lit up, checking into the hotel, anxiously hoping that my travel companion is ready to go out. Last night was one of the few times that I was anxious my travel companion would want to go out. That has to be a sure sign of aging. Score! I just found a mango Starburst in the bottom of my backpack!

Right now I am staying in Houston with my mom while she is attending a women's conference. I had originally thought I would be spending lots of time in a nice hotel watching movies and ordering room service while Mom took care of business. I was totally wrong. Hee hee! But I really should not log her attendance. After all, I was her accomplice.

I tried searching Texas Monthly online & also Yahoo Local for some clue as to where we should have dinner. There are so many lovely restaurants here, & I wanted to take advantage of our time. So of course we ate at the Yambo Chinese Buffet. If you go there, skip the sushi, get the glazed chicken wings. The steamed rice is at the end of the buffet & the good shrimp is next to the watermelon.

It's been years since I have eaten at a Chinese buffet. It felt so naughty and yet so right. I think I'll wait another 5 years before I do that again. Maybe 10. This afternoon we went to the beach and it was fabulous. I haven't been to Galveston since the hurricane and I was quite relieved to see that everything looked relatively unchanged. Just freshly painted. We started the outing by having gumbo at a place that has totally inspired me to be a better cook. I've definitely been slacking in my 'Nawlins skills.

We found one of our previously visited stretches of beach, and again, it was in seemingly perfect condition. I tried to find a few precious shells and then let small cool waves wash over my hands while Mom fed the seagulls. It wasn't long before I had to get in on that action. She was tossing crackers up into a crowd that I thought might actually try to land on her. Every crumb was caught.

I guess I should admit that there was one last stop on our way out of Galveston. We were going to pass by it anyways, and I was concerned for the well being of the restaurant owners... at the very least I needed a pit stop. Thankfully, the Cajun Greek was still in business, and since I was already inside, I decided it would be a good idea to make sure that the sandwiches were just as yummy as I remembered. Holigoodness they were! That shrimp and oyster po' boy is my favoritist!

That evening we went to the Houston Museum of Fine Art. I remember that I enjoyed the artwork, can't remember whose work was on exhibit. I do remember that in the lobby an exclusive welcome party was being held for some other group, and we were invited to enjoy the wine. Afterwards, we had another wonderful meal out (now I know that I am also slacking in my Guido skills) and then enjoyed getting lost in Houston. Again. Sometimes I really hate GPS.

The next day we came back home. Comfortable home, whose only drawback is that there is no room service. Just as well. I wouldn't feel right spending $20 on 1 waffle.

In The Blood

Tonight I was chopping up red bell peppers and I was in heaven. I have been buying only organics for my fresh fruits and vegetables (trying to counterbalance all of the drugs that my body is loaded up on, not trying to be annoying) and there are certain items, like bell peppers, that I have almost stopped buying because of the expense. It's hard to choke down $4 for a red pepper. Today I found a store that sold them for half of that price, so I splurged on 3. As an extra bonus the check out girl did not ring them up right and I saved and additional $2.5o. I was feeling rich!

So of course I cut into one of them for our dinner. I very sparingly only used 1/3 of it. I think organic bell peppers are the vegetable that I can tell a significant difference in over the conventional ones. They smell so much more fragrant and their taste is more pronounced. Yummy. Jane has a pepper addiction and went crazy when she saw me pull it out of the fridge. I waited until I was sure that I was not going to accidentally drop a piece on the ground while transferring them to the pan before I selected a slice for her. She was also in heaven.

Feeling over the top about any fresh food, and actually any treat food that I feel over the top about, reminds me of my dad. That guy had passion. Thankfully, mercifully, he had been sober for the last 16 years of his life, so it was much easier to appreciate him for that. Dad had a true love for food. He could grown anything anywhere. The plants and the earth knew that he loved them.

I am awful at remembering to call people. Great at remembering to think good things for them. There are several people that I love that I think of constantly, but cannot remember to make the time to write or call them. If you are reading this, then you are most definitely included if you live in California, Washington, Oregon, New York, Alabama, Texas, Virginia, Canada....

This week I finally remembered to call my step-mother and my aunt. A true success for me. Both conversations made my soul feel better. I love hearing their voices. During the conversation with my step-mother I mentioned how I ache to see Clinch Mountain again, the place where she and Dad had lived. That place calls to me. If the hospital was less than 40 minutes away, I would have begged my husband to move to the mountain with me.

A couple of nights later, I talked to my aunt. Poor girl had been sick for awhile, but thankfully is recovering now. Because of the cold/flu that she had, the conversation that she tried to relate to me had a few fuzzy spots in it. The important part is that she has connected with a family member that she has never met. Another person whose number I have that I have already forgotten to call. And I am excited to talk to her.

The part that made me stop in my tracks (Jane had been behind me and actually ran into me) was that this new person may have told my aunt that her father's (my grandfather's) family had lived on Clinch Mountain.

My father was born with an extremely rare blood disease. Every month for one week he would lose almost all of his white blood cells. We think that possibly his mother died from my condition, so for obvious reasons, I'm not planning on having children. When he was diagnosed, there was only one other person in Texas that had it. Or was it that the other person lived in Oklahoma? Anyways, in 1999 there was a conference in Chicago that he drove to which was a gathering of about 12 people that had this disease. They came from all over the U.S. He left that conference elated. Dad was very big in people coming together to connect and heal.

On his way back home, on a lark, he decided to explore Virgina, and he fell in love. He drove up to Clinch Mountain, and bought the mountain top. He said it was like living in The Last of the Mohicans. But without the fighting. Then again... he did save that mountain from deforestation and defended his home from drunken hunters. He didn't mind the hunters that played fair and were respectful, he did have a problem with drunk guys with guns that wouldn't have a problem shooting his dog. No worries, Consuela Chile Pepper and Maggie Moon never had a problem.

The home that he created with Alona up there was magical. I've never seen so many hummingbirds in my life. I can understand why she can no longer live there, and it may be the same way for her, but it feels like a piece of me is still up there, just waiting for me to return and reclaim it. My most peaceful thought when I am most distressed is gently rocking in a hammock that they didn't have, looking up at all of those trees with the light shining through.

My aunt may have misunderstood what was being related to her, but knowing that it is possible that my kin once lived there before my father did is a slightly haunting thought. Is the love of that mountain something that was passed down to me through my blood, or is it just that I yearn for a return to a time that I cannot have?

Nice Kitty... Ow! Ow! Ow!

I have the sweetest fluffiest pretty kitty living with us and I am terrified of her. She is half Siamese, half long hair black alley cat. Her markings are a beautiful chocolate seal point, long fur and a normal cat face and meow. She told us her name is Coco.

I met Coco almost 5 years ago at her other home which was about 20 minutes away from us. Her pets were computer programmers who were struggling to get a website up for their very first clients. The neighborhood where they lived was slightly questionable, so as I stepped into their home, I looked back at my car just in time to see a gorgeous black cat skulk back into to the alley across the street. He was looking a bit guilty. Might have been stepping out on his Siamese lady friend. Coco's mom greeted me at the door and then rushed off to get some alone time. She obviously knew that the kittens would be busy with me and she saw her chance to get some spa time in.

Coco easily had 50 siblings that all looked like her. That house had kittens on top of every surface that they could claim. I was overwhelmed. I had know idea how I was supposed to decide who was to come home with me. One of Coco's pets decided she would feed the kittens and that maybe while they were fighting it out over Tender Vittles that I could make my decision. She was right, but not in the way she had imagined.

The distant sound of can tops popping open was an irresistible tuna siren call. A herd of kittens rushed past my feet. The room was suddenly quite empty except for me and one little kitty that was asleep on the couch. I pretty much decided on that kitten like I decide on sushi. That one is pretty and it's close. As I scooped her up she opened her eyes and obviously smelled what everyone else was getting to have. She tried to bolt, but quickly surrendered to the pettin's.

Her pets let me know that she had been sick and had almost lost her sight. Because of the constant holding and attention that she had been getting, she was considered to be the sweet one. Obviously she had been faking so she would be chosen first to leave the nest. Or maybe it was the car ride that made her bad. I thought it curious that neither her mother nor father bid her farewell.

Our dogs however, could not wait to greet her. I brought Coco into the living room and sat down in the comfy chair with her on my lap. The dogs were so excited. So was Coco. There was a dog on either side of her and she took her time to punish both of them. Her utter contempt equally matched their utter love for her. I was a bit terrified. Someone was going to lose a nose and I was really hoping that it would not be me. When she yowled and her head spun around, that's when I knew that I would never bathe her.

5 years have passed since that day. I have had many lovely naps with Coco and I usually have to endure one love bite each time. I guess it's her way of letting me know that it is a privilege to be able to spend time with her. She tries to play with Jane, but her sneak attack is so surprising to both of them that they usually run away from each other. Guests are not exempt from her bad manners. She will either totally ignore them or will sweetly curl up on their lap and happily purr as she is pet. Then she'll dreamily gaze up at them and hiss like they pulled her tail.

That's really all I have to say about her right now. I just want to make sure that in the future when I remember my time with her that I don't make the mistake of claiming she is the most perfect kitty ever. Even if she really is.

Oh thank goodness! She decided to take her nap on Karl this time. Hey... why isn't she biting him?

Too Sweet! Too Sweet!

Tonight I had the most amazing layered chocolate mousse cake. The top layer was a thin ganache, then a thick cream, cake, mousse and then cake again. Deliciousness in a one slice package from the grocery store served perfectly chilled.

I wasn't even going to buy the cake. I was swerving in and out of the produce aisles in the store provided go-cart trying to find organic green onions and had finally given up the mission. I thought taking my leave through the wonderful smelling bakery was a really good idea. One last longing look at the tasty sweets as I sped past. I had succeeded in keeping kind to my waistline when I heard Karl behind me announce that he was going to buy a slice of cake. I came to such a quick stop that the groceries in my basket shifted forward and jammed underneath that totally useless extra inner basket. I almost made the mistake of going backwards in the cart. Thankfully, I remembered that doing so would bring forth the unmistakable "wide load moving" beep. That would have been just too embarrassing next to the cream puff and brownie counter.

One quick loop around the rotisserie chickens and specialty cheeses and I was back by Karl's side. He postured, hmmed a little bit, and then finally asked me to remind him what kind was his favorite. I was honest and told him that traditionally he loved carrot and German cake, but that if I were going to pick out one, I would get the layered chocolate mousse cake with chocolate shavings on top. He agreed, proving what excellent taste he has. You know, by agreeing with me.

I give my husband a lot of grief for things that actually annoy me about myself. Much easier just to get angry at him instead of admit that I am frustrated with my situation. It is amazing how quickly I can get mad at him when he acts in a way that I think is the least bit contrary to the man I think so much of. Karl has always loved video games. Old games, new games, doesn't matter. His blog could be "this life comes with games".

He is the conqueror of all things that cannot be controlled. The main thing being that he cannot control that I have an as of yet incurable condition. But he does what he can. He keeps better track of my medical information than I do. He knows when I am supposed to take pills, how to tell when I missed them, keeps my medication cold, prepares my medicine, keeps track of where my main medicine is, what happened when. He does not ever complain about any of this no matter how tired he is and he does not forget. I get sick of it all and wish that it was okay to skip steps. He shrugs it off and says he'll take care of it.

He can spend hours fighting dragons online, but almost as soon as I am able to do anything, he's packing my medicine up so we can go have an adventure. Yep, I'm married to Amazing Man. His alter ego is Grumpy Bear Man. And now it's time for me to finish his cake. Life is sweet.

Tiger

My house is completely clean, I've had dinner, the girls are fed and now I've got nothing to do. Okay, not quite true. I've got several closets that need to be cleaned out and the taxes still need to be done. Tonight I want a job. A real job.

I've pretty much just been waiting to be dependable before I try to go back to work. I also that know that even though right now I'm feeling a bit like a caged tiger, in a few minutes I'll be ready for a nap and really regretting telling Karl that I would make chili for dinner tonight. Nights like this are exactly why I started writing, so as I should, I am returning to you Dear Blog.

I've been sick the past week and honestly, this has been the best cold ever! I am the healthiest that I have been in 3 years. This cold has been icky, inconvenient and exhausting but it has also been a breeze. I am very thankful that I seem to be over it now. I wasn't sure my nose was going to make it and I was about to have to make an emergency trip to Costco for more kleenex.

Today the cleaning woman came here for the first time (love her!) and Mom and I went shopping at that store. I have a love/hate relationship with Whole Foods. There isn't one close by, so going there is an automatic half hour drive. Oh but the food! It's a bit tricky buying the right thing. Just because they made it does not mean that it does not contain a half cup of cream and butter per serving. Just means that it's extra yummy cream and butter. Temptation is everywhere. I swear I think they may have the best smelling ribs ever. No idea how they taste, I've been able to stay strong. For now. With "organic" printed on so many items, stepping through their doors is a bit like stepping into Disneyland. Admission is definitely just as expensive.

The Biggest Loser just came on so it's time for me to close this out. I've got some lemon sherbet and Girl Scout cookies to work off. Okay, and a cheese hatch chile quesadilla. Or two. Oh well. I also really enjoy the confused look that Jane gives me when I do my leg lifts.