Boundaries

I have had an annoying problem lately. Just when I get in a happy little mood and I'm all ready to write something out, a bit of the grumpy life sets in. Sometimes it's my grumpy stuff, other times it's someone else's.

My grumpy stuff is just boring and I don't even want to hear about it. Typically it's that I'm tired, I don't want to be tired and now I'm grumpy because I'm tired, which usually just leads to a blue mood because I don't want to be grumpy or tired. Why would I want to share that every time it happens?

Other people's grumpy, well that I do not share for a different reason. My name and my stories are on this blog because I choose for them to be. I just don't feel like I have the right to put my friends and family on display. Even if I do not mention them by name, someone somewhere will know who I am talking about, starting with the person that is the subject of the story.

And it goes beyond just grumpy. For example, someone you love continues to walk into a brick wall that you deperately want to point out to them, but you know that they have to know the wall is there, I mean there is a huge flashing sign that says "Wall - Do Not Walk Into Me" on it, and yet...

All of this, of course, reminds me of my father. Now him, I have no problem telling stories about. Partly because he's dead and any arguments we have now are very one-sided and partly because my father was a huge fan of letting it all hang out. If someone was holding back a secret, he felt it was best to talk about it. Not in an "Enquirer" kind of way, but in the "Secrets only hide shame and fear" kind of way.

I have tried his way before with family, but was horribly unsuccessful. I guess openly airing secrets should be left to the people who regularly burn sage and smell like lavender and patchouli. And so, on many topics I have become mute. A very hard thing to accomplish when it involves the people you are rooting for.

One time I tried to write out my feelings in the extreme abstract, but in the end I still identified my subject just a little too well. I think the only way I could ever publish that story would be if I removed the last few sentences (which I refuse to do) or if my blog was published completely anonymously with absolutely no ties to the people I know. I think I'm starting to see how easy and enticing it could be to share a personal story with a complete stranger.

During the day I worry too much over the hearts of my loved ones, and at night when my heart is resting, I am able to think of the stories that make me smile. Maybe I should set up the laptop in the bedroom. The last story I wanted to write was going to be called "Pillow Talk". I am very much look forward to reading that one.

Tonight I'll end this entry with the mantra I have for the people whose lives I want to change just a little bit to make me happy. "They are doing what they need to be doing right now. Later they may do something else, but for now, this is what they are choosing for themselves and I love them."

Much love to everyone tonight. I hope all of your hearts are resting easy.