Something's Missing

If you told me that someday I would miss a man that cackles like an old woman, manic to distraction, and still pulled stunts like peeing in his sister's shampoo bottle, well I would have told you that you were as crazy as that guy sounds. It's been six years since Dad was killed by a drunk driver, and I miss everything about him. Well, almost everything. That shampoo business was just wrong.

I wish I could say that I honored him well today, that I did and cooked all sorts of fun stuff. Instead I watched sad movies, ate little and napped long. But something that I'm truly thankful for, I had a nice dream about him. I think it's hard enough to have a dream about the person you want to see most, but to do it and have the person look how they are supposed to and act like they are supposed to is darn near impossible for me. Usually my naps include some stressful nightmare. This dream was lovely and fun. When I got up, Pandora played lots of Van Morrison.

A very long time ago, I went to an outdoor Van Morrison concert with him and my family. I was too young to know who I was listening to, and all of the music sounded the same to me. What stayed with me from that night was resting on our picnic blanket and watching the clouds drift. And how happy he was to see this guy sing.

I have a small dark bonus that surprised me. I can't remember the date I was diagnosed with PH. I know it was just the month before he died, but I have no idea when. So many other people that I have met have that date seared in their mind. I can barely remember the moment I was told.  I gotta say, I'm kind of grateful for that. So much about this condition is paralyzingly scary, but having such an immense distraction happen at pretty much the same time really helped to cement that this is just a thing. Today I have PH. Who knows about tomorrow?  It's not something that made his death meaningful or anywhere close to worth it, but it is the tiniest string of silver, and I need every trick to keep my mind on track.

I know I'll be thinking of him even more over the next few days, and I'll try to contain any manic overabundance of cooking, but I will be practicing my crazy hag cackle and my kitchen dancing skills. Just me and Van.

Not The Blue Ribbon I Was Wanting

Winter has awoken, and so has my internal champion weight prized pig. And she is huuungry. Christmas before last, our family lost someone who was deeply cared for. I marked the occasion by putting on 5lbs. I guess over the last two years I had been worried that my 5 would be lonely, so I gave them another 5. Now I'm in no pants land. The size I should be in is snug and the size larger falls down.  My abdomen stays on the tender side because of water retention and my ever changing Flolan Rorschach spots. So it's either wear something that hurts or risk accidentally pantsing myself. I'm starting to see the sense in velour jog suits.

When I was at my if-I-turn-sideways-you-can't-see-me-weight, I was thrilled to put on some poundage. I needed the body fat to stay warm, not get painfully hungry, not fear wooden benches. I don't think you can know the importance of a padded bottom until you sit down hard at a picnic table. The extra weight seems to fit me well, I've gotten more complements than ever. But still....

Somehow this last 10 seems unfair. Like squatters have taken over my thighs. My goal is to evict 5lbs. Doing so will put me back into all of last year's fashions and pants size. So, in an effort to reclaim what is mine, I decided to write down the healthy meals that are easy for me to make and then cross referenced them with what I actually had in the pantry and then made out an excel file of the items (numbering 8) I needed and which stores I would need to go to (numbering 4) . Then I had to clean out the fridge of desserts and dinners past that were not actually going to get eaten, got rid of the stuff that no one should eat, poured over recipe books sure that someone else could come up with better meal plan that did not include protein powder mac&cheese. Grilled my husband on what he liked to eat, tried to come up with a game plan of restaurants that were safe for me to eat at (sushi, Thai, salad bar), realized that even what I actually eat there is never as angelic as I had originally hoped (fried tofu, green curry, opt for pizza instead of salad). Decided that I could no longer be trusted to eat out and must give it up. Mourned the loss of my lunch's out with mini ranger cookies. After 2 hours of making myself crazy, I decided that just paying attention to what I ate would be easier.  Today was going to be the first day.

Pre-Breakfast
1 cup OJ mixed with fresh Pomegranate Cranberry Juice
100 Calories

Breakfast 7a.m
1 cup Buckwheat Flakes with 1/4 Banana and Flax Milk
200 Calories

Snack 10a.m.
1/2 small bag Potato Chips with 1 tbl Salmon Spread and Cherry Coke
310 Calories

Lunch 12:30p.m.
Cheeseburger and Fried Onion Petals with Iced Tea
Oh the humanity! Calories

Stop on the way home 1:15p.m.
Chocolate Croissant and Almond Pastry
Oh the pounds will show up tomorrow, bet they're on your bottom, tomorrow! Calories

Nap to avoid eating anything else 1:37p.m.
Considering a sleeping pill - does it have calories?

3:30p.m.
Woke up waay too soon.
3 bites of Almond Pastry, 1 of Chocolate Croissant
1 Zantac after I remembered that heartburn was the reason I woke up. Pastry did not help.
Doesn't count, still asleep. Calories

Dinner 6:30p.m.
Rotkohl, Steamed Asparagus, Honey's Turkey Meatloaf
No idea, but I didn't use oil, butter, bacon, salt or cheese, so I don't care. Calories

11:30p.m. Bedtime
5 large purple Grapes
? Calories

Okay...sooo. Yeah. How have I not put on 15 lbs? How did I fit all of that food into me? Is there any Cherry Coke left? At least I know that whatever I do tomorrow will automatically be better than what I did today. Especially if I put the cola in Karl's lunch bag.