It is always on my shoulder or hip, causing enough back trouble to justify almost daily trips to the chiropractor. I have to keep it cold, have to keep it clean, have to change it once a day. Once a month special supplies are ordered just for it. The supplies take up lots of prime real estate in my modest home, no matter where I put them. There are always remnants of them around the house, which serve as a constant reminder of my little burden. I am constantly paying medical and insurance bills for it. I take all of it's blood tests, I undergo it's procedures, I take all of the calls from the nurses who are checking in on it.
The tie that binds us is an important one. It is a direct link to my heart. And still, I slam it in the car door, kink it, pull on it till I bleed, catch it on doorknobs. Our link also means that I have to tend to myself every 3 days to a week. Infection is the silent threat. Showers are complicated, stressful and quick. I miss when they were easy, sexy and luxurious. The baby is never allowed to get wet and neither is our connection, so full submersion is just a dream.
People that haven't seen me in awhile are always surprised that I have a baby. They tend to pity the life change in a kind and sympathetic way. I pretty much want to talk about anything else even though the baby is the main constant in my life. I never have any time away from it. My husband helps but cannot fully take over its care. The baby insists on sleeping with us, but thankfully, under a pillow. Still, there is no denying that there is something else in bed with us. Especially since it snores.
My body has undergone many changes since I have had my baby. My curvy parts are inches lower than they had been, my hair is coarser, I have a varicose vein on the front of my knee. I have a couple of small abdominal hernias that have caused my ego a little pain. My skin feels and looks different. I am grateful that my husband seems to be blind to all of this and just sees me. I wish I could do the same for myself.
Some days my baby makes me so happy that I can do anything. Other days I'm exhausted and laid out on the couch. Both extremes are so different that people who have only witnessed one mood cannot imagine me any other way. For some I am always tired. For others I am inexhaustible. The latter has a hard time understanding how I am not out conquering the world every day. The changes can be subtle, which is the worst. Either I feel mildly crazy for not wanting to move or I do not realize that the down time has past and it's time to jump out into the world again.
My mother and my family have been very supportive. My mother has taken on several of my responsibilities, which has given me much relief. My family rallies during emergencies and has been very forgiving when I am too tired to visit or too forgetful to call. One more thing that has been hard to forgive myself for, especially knowing how often they have remembered me in their prayers.
Every two years I attend a conference for people who have babies like or similar to mine. Lots of seminars hosted by people who do not have babies telling us how to handle them. They are also the ones providing the food for the conference, which is fine for them, but inappropriate for struggling moms. Some of the sessions are lead by mothers like me, but even though we all have children, all of our relationships with our babies are very different from one another.
The baby does bring a fresh breathe of air into my life and I have been able to do many things since I have had it. But still, I wish I didn't need it so. I miss my freedom.
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