Anniversary Blues

I hate anniversaries. I have too many bad ones and not enough good ones. Actually, I probably have lots of good ones. I hate that the bad ones are somehow easier to remember than the good ones.

Karl has come home from work many an anniversary (the good kind), roses and chocolates in hand, a big smile on his face and "I love you" on his lips. I'll have dirty dishes and a cleaning sponge in my hands, a look of complete confusion on my face and then an immediate "D'0h!" followed by lots of apologies. Thankfully, my husband finds this funny. He also seems to find humor in me forgetting my birthdays.

Bad anniversaries have a different way of announcing themselves. An unexplained dark mood sets in. I very much dislike feeling grumpy for no apparent reason. I think I dislike the ambivalence that comes with it even more.

What makes this bad anniversary especially frustrating is that there is much to celebrate now. Sometime within the next 2 weeks marks the date that I went into the hospital last year. Having that 50 lbs of water on me (most of which was in my abdomen) was painful, breathing hurt and there was little food that did not start an exodus. I think if I had kept a log during that time, little would have been written about fear, lots would have been written about my determination to get the water off of me.

The first thing I did this morning while I was still in bed (after determining that the bird in my tree was the first robin I had seen this year) was stare at my stomach. I love how my stomach is flatter when I'm laying down. I breathed deeply and appreciated being able to effortlessly fill my lungs. I thought about what I would have for breakfast and was grateful that I knew I would be able to keep what I ate down.

I don't know if I have mentioned this yet, but giving thanks has been a point of contention for me. When I used to hear "Give thanks for the little things", or "Don't take the little things for granted", I always thought of being thankful for flowers or clean water. I never thought about being grateful that I could load and unload the dishwasher or complete a load of laundry. Or be grateful that I could walk to the end of the yard to get the mail. Jeez, or even have the strength to pet Jane.

Right now I want to feel the happiness of coming so far from last year. I want to feel proud of my accomplishments. Instead I'm fighting the sorrow of what last year was and how it affected myself and my family. I'm sorry for the people that I lost and the good-byes I was not able to say.

But I'll do what I can for now and celebrate my life by living it and have faith that the sadness will lift and peace will settle in. So now I'll turn off my computer, get my mom for a lunch out, go walk a half mile down by the lake and then garden with Jane for an hour or so. I think I'll take some birdseed out for the robins. Jane will like that.